I have bezerker rage today. This is the kind of rage where you just need relief; Like punching someone’s lights out and starting a brawl. My body feels like it’s being torn apart. I went and exercised and it helped, but only a little.
My mood reminds me of the “mixed states” I went through in the past. This wrathful feeling is like a dam that won’t break. It is refusing to give in — to what, I’m not sure. I suspect it’s fear and/or grief.
I need to turn this acute discomfort into a victory.
The other night, I woke up in a panicked rage. It was the same angry, pressurized fear that I’m experiencing now, only worse. I touched my arms and legs, reassuring myself that I was safe and that this fear and pain stuff was clearing out of my body; that I just needed to stay with myself and breathe through it. My belly hurt. It felt like dread and terror of death plus an insurmountable amount of mourning. Next, I tried to put my consciousness into my body and feel the energy flowing, especially through my feet and legs, hands and arms. It’s like my extremities have been cut off from energy flow. My energy stopped at my second chakra. A vision of my belly area sliding down into an abyss and shutting everything off below it came to me. I got the answer that I needed to heal the abyss so I could open to the energy in my lower body and connect to the healing energies of Earth.
I got out of bed and lay on my wood floor. I wanted to have the feeling of a direct connection to Earth. Laying on my back and planting both of my feet on the floor, I breathed through all of these chaotic emotions and thoughts. Meanwhile, I constantly reassured myself that this was a healing process, that I was safe, that all of this trauma was in the past …
I heard the birds start to chirp and I saw the sky lighten up outside my window. It was around five am. “Good,” I thought, “it’s almost morning. I’ll be done with this soon.” As soon as I thought that, I realized that daylight wasn’t going to help me. A magical moment of sunshine wouldn’t make all of this evaporate. The fear of this made me nauseous.
“Ok, I can’t think this way!” I reprimanded myself.
I got off the floor and took enough of my “anti-psychotic” and anti-anxiety medication to knock me out. This called for a good sleep and some good relief for my brain and nervous system. I slept for the next twenty-four plus hours; from Sunday at six am to Monday at 11:15 am with a couple of waking hours in between.
At 11:15 am, which was this morning, my bezerker rage kicked in. My brain/thoughts were more stable and not so “watery” but I felt restricted and compressed. And resentful that I had to confine myself to bed rest!
Now, it’s Monday at 4:23 pm and I feel much better than when I started this post. I think a great deal of my need underneath this anger is to express myself. I’m relieved that I channeled this into something constructive.
It’s frustrating when I have to micro-manage my emotions and state of being every second. The fluctuating tides are painful and confusing. I do believe I am evening out and that my nervous system is healing. Some things take time and great care.